Shortly after I came back from my Iceland trip mid-September, I found myself in the biggest drama of recent years. The consequences left me sad, confused, and angry. Worst of all, I ended up quitting jiu-jitsu.
It all started with a simple request for feedback from my instructor on the new class now being taught by another coach. I gave my honest feedback there, but decided now would be a good time to also chime in with other feedback unrelated to the class. The gym has been growing, which overall is a good thing. This resulted in couple of issues though that have been nagging at me since around Spring. They are:
1) The women end up in groups of three every time there is an odd number of students and there are odd number of women. This annoyed the heck out of me. Being in a group of three means I get less drill time. I only get to the gym 2-3 times a week as it is (unlike others who go 4+ times) and wanted my time there to count. I understand it's necessary sometime and don't mind the occasional tripling, but when it's a regular basis and it's because we're women, that's frustrating. I get that there's benefit to drilling with people our own size. Still, given that usually there's at most 3 women, it's always the usual folks getting tripled. If the guys are odd, there are many of them so it's not the same person in a group of 3 all the time.
2) The women weren't allowed in the advanced class. Earlier in the year I asked if I could do the Tue/Thu advanced class instead of the Mon/Wed class since I wanted a break from late night classes. My instructor said I could not because he planned to increase intensity of that class. I didn't really understand what increasing intensity meant. I was even further confused when there are lower ranked guys (I'm blue) and a kid (granted he's very good) that weighs 50lbs less than me in that class. What the hell is that about???
Well, after I wrote my feedback to my instructor he wanted to talk to me in person. Made sense so we quickly arranged a time and I went to go talk to him. Things did not go well. We never even got to talk about #1. He tried to explain to me that #2 was because he did not want me to get hurt. It didn't make sense. The advanced guys are perfectly capable of making me work without hurting me. Why would I get hurt? The only explanation was that he did not want them to have to do a roll that required them to meet me at my strength/speed/skill, etc. Whether some of those guys in that class my rank or below have more speed and skill than me is questionable. That left strength. So I blurted out, "It's because I'm weak isn't it?" His response? "Yes, and that's the truth." I responded with, "So you want a class where the guys just can go all out on each other?" He said yes. Basically, he wants a bro-fest. He then went on to take offense that I implied the guys did not want to be helpful. I know damn well they are. I love rolling with those guys in that class. Why do you think I want to take that class sometime? If that wasn't bad enough he called me "selfish" and "ungrateful". He further continued to make me feel bad by saying he was planning to be taking his wife out to dinner instead of being here with me. How the fuck was I supposed to know? I left the gym very upset... like crying upset. I got home confused. This guy that I had respected and liked for the last two and half years could not handle honest feedback and have a conversation with me without making me feel like shit.
After getting home I reported to couple other girls at the gym how the conversation went. They were also interested in the Tue/Thu class. Come to find out, they each had their own issues with the gym, though I wouldn't say they were necessarily sexism. But those that could be considered so are:
- Couple of the women train in the morning since they have children to look after in evenings. This is unfortunately it's labeled "pro training" time, so while they can show to class and drill, they don't always get to roll. At times, they are banished to the corner to drill while the guys do all the rolling. It's not like only pros show up to morning classes. Guys of all ranks show up occasionally.
- New purple belt female at the gym isn't allowed in that Tue/Thu class until she "proves herself".
- The women who were going to compete in September got hardly any competition training. When the guys compete, they get a lot of coaching and opportunities to super fight. They drilled nothing but triangles for weeks leading up to competition. Not a lick of info on what to do initially from stand-up or anything else that might be relevant and not covered in usual class.
- There are men's bible studies at the gym that women aren't invited to.
To be fair, I do have to give him credit for organizing couple of classes dedicated to the women at his gym and affiliates. He does also spend quite a bit of time with his students, women included, after class too. Still, I felt like we were being treated differently and I didn't like it. Rather than having the rare women's class, I'd just preferred to be included in our regular classes. I missed the old days when school was smaller and we were just one class regardless of rank or gender (kinda hard to single me out since I was the only girl there 99% of the time). At the end of the day, it doesn't matter that I take that class because I was getting sufficient training without it. I would have even accepted it, even if I didn't agree, if he just explained the importance of such a training without making me feel like crap. He never really seemed to understand though that it was the principle of it that bothered me. He also failed as a professional to control his emotions which led to that awful conversation.
I had a lot of fun these past two and a half years doing BJJ, but it's time to move on. Yes, other gyms are an option, but at the moment I have lost motivation to commit to the sport. For now, I am going to focus my life on other things for a change.
