Turning 40

Two weeks ago I had my 40th birthday.  It was a day I had been looking forward to with mixed feelings. On one hand, nothing good comes from getting older, especially as a single woman.  There's the societal pressure on women to look beautiful, which is hard to do when grays, wrinkles, and cellulite start to appear. There's also the societal expectation of women my age to be married with children.  Men look for youth from a biological stand point: younger women are more fertile.  It's a tough age to be looking for men.  Those in my age range are typically already married with children.  If I go a bit younger, I'd have to find one who doesn't care to have children.  If I go older... well, I suppose that's an option.  In any case, after about 6 months of dating various men last fall through winter, I got a bit fed up with it all and am taking a break.  So now my focus is Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, where getting older also does you me good.  I'm coming back into working out after about a 5 year blank.  I started off barely surviving classes twice a week.  Now I can go three times a week but usually I am pretty burnt out by the time the weekend rolls around.  Although I'd like to think my flexibility, reflexes, and speed hasn't deteriorated much, I have to wonder how much better I would or could be if I had started when I was younger.  Say it takes me 10 years to get my black belt.  I will be a whooping 50 years old when I get it!!!  It's bad enough I'm a white belt... a female white belt.  If some of the younger folks in school knew my age I might be treated as the "old white belt lady".  As of the moment my age is a hush-hush, but a few of the older folks now know.  Hopefully they will keep their mouths shut.

So I said I had mixed feelings, but there's very little joy to be had from turning 40.  The only good I can think of is that I have an excuse for looking older.  However, in some sense, this milestone birthday has brought some sort of peace of mind with it.  I've long gave up on having a family.  It was not something I ever actively sought so I'm not planning on trying now this late in the game.  That leaves me free to do whatever the hell I want!!  I doubted myself for a bit around my birthday about whether I should be putting so much energy into BJJ instead of finding a mate.  Well, if BJJ makes me happy, why the hell not?  That's more than can be said of most men.  So now I've got a plan for the next 10-20 years.  The next 10 years will be spent pursuing my black belt in BJJ.  It's not as if I can travel much with Millie anyway.  By then, Millie will sadly have passed, or will soon.  Then I'll go work abroad again, perhaps Germany or Japan.  Japan now grants permanent residency after living there for only three years versus 10 before.  Maybe I'll make plans to retire in Japan where I can sit in an onsen daily, hike beautiful mountains, and eat great food.  Who knows.  In any case, I will work abroad, take some time off to travel, and make plans to retire at 60.